But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
