I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
