you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
