No awkward lesbian experiences without me
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
