totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Randomize
