I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
