Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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