Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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