My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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