you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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