you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
