Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
