im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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