Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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