Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
