we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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