if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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