Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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