I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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