I just found puke in my bra..
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
