How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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