Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
