she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i love accidental penises.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Found your dick twin last night
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
