i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
