it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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