a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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