Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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