Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
