Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
