He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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