Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
