so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
