when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
