It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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