Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
