Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
