it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
