I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
