If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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