My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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