my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
