I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
