are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
