Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
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