after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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