Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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