Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
