Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
