Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
