There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
